And So It Goes
by asimbelmyne
Summary: His love for her had grown into something he could barely control, a weed that possessed the parts of his heart he wasn't used to using. He'd open his mouth to speak, to beg, to let her know that simply being in her presence was enough to stifle some of the pain inside of his heart, but nothing ever came out.


_"Falling in love is not rational."_

 _― Michael Faudet_

* * *

Every time Kanan looked into Hera's eyes, he knew beyond reasonable doubt that he loved her. He didn't think he deserved to feel such a thing, not after living a life devoid of emotion for as long as he had, but love had found him nonetheless. His perception of it had evolved over time, a dream he'd sealed within his heart like a caged bird, bursting from behind his ribcage in an attempt to escape unscathed, too naive to know any better. His love for Hera was persistent, but not enough to surpass his fear of refusal. To be denied the very thing he felt on a regular basis was worse than realizing it existed in the first place. Her gaze drew him in, a mirror he felt compelled to look into even in the most mundane of circumstances, one that made him all the more aware of his own intense feelings for her. Her thoughts remained a foreign language to him, shadows he'd see but never fully comprehend. When they'd kiss, he'd notice whispers at most, sentences that lingered in places she hadn't grown aware of yet, thrumming in the spaces between them like an unsung song. She'd weave her fingers into his hair until he'd gasp from the sensation of it, consuming kisses as though they were a necessity of life, but he wasn't sure if she felt the same way as he did. Her eyes were always hazy afterwards, unfocused and adrift. He wanted to know if her actions came from a place of sincerity, a place where her hands sought the feeling of his skin of their own accord, his name a word she'd resort to when her emotions had become too intense to vocalize. He ached with the need to articulate his feelings, to open the cage he'd created deep within his chest for the sake of being honest, but he'd often stop himself under the weight of her green-eyed stare. It didn't matter what he was doing, where he was, or why. The way she moved, talked, and laughed siphoned the air from his lungs. When she glanced in his direction, the universe ceased to exist. The bird within his heart fought to break free, and he fought to keep it restrained.

Kanan could do nothing but force himself to love her from a distance. His feelings for her were silent, present in moments she'd never take the time to notice for herself. He'd glance at her when he was certain she wasn't aware of it, admiring how she went about her day in the most subtle way possible. He'd smile unintentionally sometimes, struggling to keep himself in check if her tongue had found its way outside of her mouth, hard at work maintaining Chopper's interwoven parts, nimble fingers slipping in and out of machinery he'd never really noticed before. If she laughed in the process of it, even just a puff of air from her nose, he'd hear it from a ways off, keeping the sound of her suppressed amusement somewhere safe within himself. Her eyes doubled in intensity when she allowed herself to take pause like that, bright and verdant from her own private revelation, a colour he couldn't describe even if he wanted to. The ache within his chest had become a constant reminder of how little he could share without destroying himself in the process. If he tried hard enough to, he could explain in perfect detail how his feelings for her had consumed him, stripping him of all rational thought, leaving him naked and vulnerable in a way he'd never allowed himself to be before. He yearned to touch her, dragging his eyes down the length of her body in reverence, recollecting the sensation of her skin beneath his fingers, against his mouth, and across his tongue in an attempt to tame his mind. He didn't know how much more he could take. His love for her had grown into something he could barely control, a weed that possessed the parts of his heart he wasn't used to using. He'd open his mouth to speak, to beg, to let her know that simply being in her presence was enough to stifle some of the pain inside of his heart, but nothing ever came out. Her eyes were too opaque, and all he could ever see was himself reflected in their depths, reaching out to take something she wasn't ready to give. He knew beyond reasonable doubt that he loved her. He simply doubted whether she'd stay if she became aware of how much.


End file.
